In order to find the really good stuff of 2011, you have to wade through some terrible music. Awful music. Songs that make you question how you relate to others. Also some songs that are just gross.
“Hold It Against Me” – Britney Spears
“If I said I want your body now / Would you hold it against me?” <– ACTUAL LYRICS
I’ll stand by some Britney Spears songs. I think stuff like “Piece of Me,” “Circus,” even “I Wanna Go” are legitimately decent pop songs. But this thing, man, what? The whole song is just repeating bad pick-up lines. It’s like an even worse Jamie Foxx song, and it was released as the first album single! I know the woman will make money without really trying, but at least look like you’re trying.
“5 O’Clock” – T-Pain feat. Wiz Khalifa and Lily Allen
“Who’d Have Known” is a very nice song about the beginning of a very nice relationship. “5 O’Clock” is ostensibly about creepy rapper T-Pain creepily sneaking into bed with a groupie and having creepy sex with her while she’s sleeping. This song has no reason for existing, other than to serve as a punchline when T-Pain is arrested in the next five years for something involving solicitation. Start writing now so you’ll have a funny status in 2017.
“Party Rock Anthem” – LMFAO
The two skeezebags (technical term) from LMFAO are the son and grandson of Berry Gordy, who founded Motown. I like to remember that fact whenever I think I’m a bad son. Imagine how Berry Gordy feels right now. He helped create a sound that moved a generation during national crises, and his kids made a song about shots that was called “Shots” and the only lyrics are “shots shots shots everybodaaaay.” Also, one of the LMfuckers is named Redfoo and is 36 years old. So, you could be worse.
“Wet the Bed” – Chris Brown
I heard this song on the radio. The radio. I don’t think I’m particularly old-fashioned or incredibly conservative, but I did not need to hear Chris Brown talk about drinking lady liquid while driving down the Southfield. If I’m translating this song right, here’s what it means: “I’m going to sex you so well that you’ll think you peed yourself.”
“Jam (Turn it Up)” – Kim Kardashian
I can’t bring myself to even post the song, so instead, here’s Prince telling Kim Kardashian to the get the fuck off the stage.
Get off the stage. All the stages.