2012 Prep Course: The Avengers

This will probably be the last Prep Course entry for the year, because (a) it’s the new year, we get it (b) putting hats on Mike Posner is much more fun.

This is the trailer for The Avengers, out in May.

It looks okay! Lots of ‘splosions, and Robert Downey Jr hiding his low self-worth by making fun of other people.

The Avengers movie is based on the Avengers comic. The Avengers comic is full of characters that are cool as a group, but kind of boring or just weird on their own. No one wants to be Captain America when they could be Batman, or Thor instead of Superman. But, as a team, it works.

Captain America is neat, but he got his superpowers by drugs and government experiments. So, have fun explaining that, parents.

Vegetables and exercise are for losers.

Thor is great, but mainly because of his big hammer.

Smashy smash.

Cap and Thor will have disagreements in the movie, probably, and then they’ll arm wrestle. When all the homoeroticism wears off, they’ll shake hands and punch some dudes.

Chris vs. Chris for all the arms.

Iron Man will be there for jokes and exposition. He’s been known to drink too much and have sex with Gwenyth Paltrow, so obviously he’s the worst role model.

I imagine this is Chris Martin every morning.

He’ll probably have sex with Black Widow. Because nothing says “mentally-stable sex partner” like a woman in head-to-toe leather named after a poisonous spider.

Nothing good can come of having sex with this woman, unless you like hair dolls and strychnine tea.

And then these guys.

Jeremy Renner is playing Hawkeye, who shoots arrows and… that’s pretty much it, he shoots arrows.
Samuel L. Jackson is a spy-commander named Nick Fury. He lost an eye and has cool coats.
Mark Ruffalo is the Hulk, who produces super-masculine female reality stars. Kidding! He turns angry and green and punches things.

Now that I’m putting all the pieces together, this movie could really suck. None of these characters make a lot of sense. An alcoholic in a robot suit? Sam Jackson with an eyepatch? And this movie doesn’t have a plot, other than “the world is ending, let’s go!” I’m not making a very good case so far.

All the lead-ins (Captain America, Thor, the two Iron Mans) have been pretty good.  Except for Hulk, but 4 out of 5 ain’t bad. Joss Whedon is directing! He directed the really good Firefly spin-off film Serenity, and wrote some great X-Men comics. You would think that Whendon, plus a really good cast, should make up for some funky characters.

If you’d like to read some comics to get ready for the movie… meh, don’t bother. Just watch the other movies! One has Anthony Hopkins in an eyepatch (The Avengers use lots of eyepatches) and another has a bald Jeff Bridges.

They’re worth seeing.


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